David's Nothingland

I haven't filled in all the exciting hospital stays and expensive tests that happened almost immediately after my last post.  And I'm not doing it now, either.  I just wanted to get on here and say something.

I'm a homebody.  I sit at home on my days off.  I play an MMO, but I mostly play solo.  I've effectively given up on dating.  It's all for the same reason:  I hate people.  People are rude, hateful ass-hats who want to tear down anything good.  If they have a legitimate gripe, and you quickly act to accomodate their needs, they still have to make snide asshole comments -- no matter how friendly you react when wthe request is made.  People are frightened, self-centered shits.  They react with fear and destruction to changes, because they're scary.  They react with fear and destruction when the changes they want don't come quickly enough.  They react with fear and destruction when they find out that getting what they wanted isn't everything they had hoped for.  They would rather hurt you now, just in case you possibly could have hurt them later.

No, I'm not putting myself up on some pedistal.  I'm no prophet.  I'm just as bad as everybody else.  I don't want to spend time with assholes, but I'm also tired of being an asshole to other people, no matter how hard I try not to be.

I woke myself up from a nightmare last night, screaming and contorting from pain.  Yes, that's "-ing," not "-ed."  Strangely, the dream pretty much summed up everything going on in my head and in my life right now.  I was going to write it out in detail, but I'm so pressed for time today that it's really not possible.  If I get a free moment, I want to document this one.

See, it wasn't a nightmare, really.  It started as a normal dream, then became a really annoying dream.  The only nightmare part was the sudden pain of having wings made of flame erupt from my back.  It may or may not have killed the people behind me in my dream.

If you were standing outside my bedroom at midnight, you would have heard a sound that could have been interpreted as me pleasuring myself, or crying, or possibly both at the same time.  The screams of agony in my dream came out as an overly long, mournful "meh."

If you had been standing inside my room at that time, you would have thought I was possessed.  I literally woke up with only 3 parts of my body touching the bed:  the soles of both feet and the back of my head.  The rest of my body had arched spastically into the air.  That's how I woke up.

My neck and back hurt.

I'll get to the wonderful details of the dream later.

You can put lipstick on a pig, and it's still a pig.

However, not even a pig would dangle one of its children on stage as a political prop.

You can take an unqualified ignorant theocratic twit and dress her up as a slutty librarian, but it doesn't make her well-read.

Addendum:

I hate spin on both sides.  I loathe it.  I despise the authors of spin and their effect on politics.  They intentionally cloud all the real issues with imagined offense at every little slight.  Both sides do it.  Both get indignant about things the other side says.

As kids, we all learned a phrase about ignoring bullies.  I'd like to modify it a bit:

"Sticks and stones might break my bones.  Until then, GROW THE FUCK UP!"

If you really are this easy to offend, you have no business being leader of the free world.  Hell, you'd probably either cry or piss yourself in fear reading any video game's message boards.

A storm is coming.

I love the color green on nights like this.  When evening has come, and all the light has been reduced to tones of blue, but the sky behind the clouds still glows with that strange orange-yellow-pink hybrid that only God can make, the green of plants comes alive.  It is so vibrant that you can see the pulse of the plants.  You can hear them breathing.  The dark, glowing green becomes the chirping of a nest full of birds; the plants are calling to God for rain.

That shade of green -- I want to make it and wear it and taste it.

It reminds me of ages ago, standing in the living room, staring out the sliding glass doors at Virginia's mountains-full of green.  The mountains would shelter us in the valleys.  We could revel in the beauty of the storm without fearing.  We spent many evenings on the front porch swing watching storms circle about and show off like homecoming queens on parade.  It is there, in those valleys, that shade of green was born.  That color holds a moment in time trapped eternally, perfectly.  It aches through my soul. 

 No, this isn't a reference to me being tired.  I'm always tired.  One day, I may learn to sleep.  It's a reference to feeling better about things in general.  It's a statement that I'm more hopeful.

I'm finally, FINALLY getting over him.  Moving away will complete that step.  It has been an expensive year, financially and emotionally, but now it's time to go home.  I'm not going to be particularly exuberant about my future living situation, but it will suffice.  There will be good -- being with my son and dogs -- with no metaphorical knife twisting in my guts.

I have a Disney trip with my parents and brother in September.

I have delighted in kicking people in the face.  (Okay, just in City of Heroes, not real life.)

My life feels like it is mine again.  It is almost as if I'm waking up from an uncomfortable dream.

Speaking of dreams, I had one dream over and over last night.  In it, I had never graduated college because I skipped too many classes.  I couldn't recall where my classrooms were and I was certain that I had skipped out on test days.

Nikki  has hair.

(Maybe I'll explain this later.  Maybe.)

I'm having a sad day.  No, make that a S.A.D. day.  On years I don't leave my husband, I tend to only be emo in winter.  Until now, this has been a light year in regards to my Seasonal Affective Disorder.  About two weeks ago, I felt that change.  I became tired -- oh, so unbelievably tired.  And my appetitehas died.  I still usually make sure to eat a meal each day, because I know things only get worse if I'm not eating.  My sex drive is even dead in its grave -- for the most part.

I have a friend, also with SAD (but I don't out people on their chemical imbalances), who has remarked this year has been light for her until now, too.  My theory on why it has turned bad now is that we're getting the clues that spring is almost here, but then winter steps on us again.  The birds gather and sing, warm air blows, smells are awakening, the moisture in the air is different, as are the clouds.  Suddenly, all that goes away for a day or two.  It's like seeing the light at the end of the long dark tunnel go out.

Just like any other chemical imbalance, SAD feeds off the tiny things that wouldn't bother you any other time.  I know my overly pained emotions are the result of the off-kilter chemical reactions in my brain, but that doesn't make it any easier to deal with.

For example, this will be the first Valentine's Day since I was something like 15 that will find me alone.  I was prepared for this.  I was even upbeat about it.  But now, the thought is terrifying and horribly tragic.

Except that it's not.  It's not an issue.  But my brain can't let me cope with it right now.  It's like there's this annoying queen running through my subconscious, yelling "DRAAAAAAMAAAA!!"  I stood outside for an hour (I should have been working) smoking, listening to music, and touching the sun (okay, not literally).  It's calmed me a bit.  

Things aren't bad.  I'm stronger than this.  But if the flowers could bloom and the wind change and the soil release a scent of fertility and the birds sing leaves back onto the trees, I'd be able to make it through things much better.

It would be nice if I could grow wings and migrate, or -- as hairy as I am -- hibernate.  Instead, I hold on, fight it, and wait for God to wake the earth up again. 

Thanks to all my friends who patiently wait for me.

 I do try, you know.  That whole unrequited love emo bullshit, while I post about it, isn't the whole sum of my being.  I talk to guys online.  But apparently the universe finds my sitcom-esque dating life rather amusing, because I seem to be in reruns.  There are two guys I've talked to recently.  Neither one is dating material, but both are fine examples of my tip-toeing into the dating world.  Oh, and this may seem bitchy, but it's not a rant.  I find it all quite funny, actually.

( But it's a long, obnoxious trip...Collapse )

My grandmother passed away this morning sometime around 8:30am.  I knew it was coming and I was hoping for and end to her pain, yet I am still sitting here at work, crying.  Turner, as always, is taking good care of me.  They are rushing someone in to cover the rest of my shift, and they give 5 days paid bereavement leave for the loss of a grandparent.  I'm going to pack tonight and drive back to Virginia in the morning.

God grant my grandmother peace and comfort and love and freedom from pain.